;03

I don't know what was wrong with me as a kid. I mean, before school even started I was out everyday of my life. Running and playing. Not having a care in the world. Even in the winter I was out and about. Granted, until the age of about four it was just my cousins or kids my parents would give me the "pleasure" of meeting, but the thought is still there. Then, as I walked through the doors of elementary school, ten months out of the twelve month year turned in to one of the most boring kids you could ever meet. And I mean boring. I was probably, at school, one of the most popular kid you could have met but when it came to outside of school, I would sit at home playing with action figures or, once in a blue moon, play and hang out with my brother's friends OR get another "pleasure" in which I was invited to a birthday party. [Of course, I was invited due to the fact that I was just in the class. Ah, the days of almost no bullies and parents not wanting to hurt a child's feelings by having their son or daughter not invite them.] But hey, I did get out every once in a while.

But like I said, I wasn't the most popular kid outside of school and I constantly question myself. "Why didn't you make more friends outside of school?" I mean, those starting years, those building blocks, stepping stones of life. They're the most important and essentially I messed them up. Well... to a point. When you're growing up in a family where you look up and you see your siblings with all the friends in the world, as well as a father with friends over at your house in the basement, drinking and having a good time constantly, you kind of feel like the family screw up when you have only one or two friends here and there. And this always provokes another question I hate to answer. "Do you regret not being more of a social butterfly?"

On a bad day and I mean bad day. Not a day where I'm bored out of my mind and can't bring myself to find anything to do, but I mean a day where I'm looking at myself, I need something to do but I can't find the courage to do anything, are the days when I feel that feeling in the pit of my stomach, rise up in to my throat and the word Yes comes out. Beyond that, I don't think I will ever regret my choices not to be as out-going as we are all capable of. I mean, sure I could have more friends, chums, buddies, but would I have the best-friends I have now? Note the keyword [it's hyphenated, so yes it is one word] best-friends. To my count in my hometown, I am aware that I have only roughly SIX best-friends. Two of them I consider to be like siblings to me, and four whom I would do anything in the world for. These are the six people that gave me a chance outside of school, outside of what they knew of me and started to know me. And do I ever miss them terribly. Also note; hometown.

I moved at a late age which I guess would also blame Elementary school for how I am today. If I were more active and out-going then, I might have been like that in the city I live in now. But apparently, at the age of 15 its harder to change then I thought. I've probably stated this in real life to real people before, but writting it down is always good too. When you make the transmission of middle school [or junior high, depending where you live] you've either decided to change and pursue a different path in life whether it be music, art, drama or to chill out and let life take you where ever its going to take to, or you've created such a special bond with such a small group of people making that a clique, and cliques almost always equal an automatic lockdown on that social group. Exceptions are always made, but trust me, without the hook-ups and connections I was never an exception. Or so I thought. Which I guess takes me back to my regret. Or atleast most of the time lack of. I mean, thanks to my confusion and frustration, I was never alone due to my connection of my hometown friend [not a best-friend, only a mere friend. But I guess she can move up on that social later of mine to good friend] I had made one friend, which introduced me to a whole slew of other friends... or aquantinces considering they were one of those cliques I was talking about. Yeah, I ended up not staying with that group for very long. [Demoted. Shes back to friend for lack of connections.]

But I guess for lack of acceptance driving me to find acceptance else where, I wouldn't have found the new set of best-friends I have today either. [Promoted. For now...] But these group of best-friends can never replace the position in my heart I have for my hometown hereos. They're just special to me in a different kind of way that allowed me to just kind of waltz in to their group and they just kind of accepted me with no reason to deny me as a friend. I still wonder what was wrong with me as a child that drove me to be where I am today. Until they create that "What if machine..." from Futurama, we'll never know so I'll just keep trying to enjoy life as much as I can with who I can.

--Too Much Thought

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